Western culture has a significant bias against showing (and feeling) emotion. Do you ever wonder why we “fight back tears”? Why is it encouraged to have a “stiff upper lip”? We have many expressions for telling people their emotions are not welcome, “zip it up,” “pull it together,” “boys don’t cry,” “reel it in,” “toughen up,” “firm up,” “get it together,” “you’re too sensitive.”
Unfortunately, these expressions do not make unwanted emotions go away. Instead they cause emotions to get suppressed and re-pressed, which can cause significant psychological problems over time. From under the rug, these unprocessed emotions cry out for attention, even years later.
It is my belief that previous generations handled emotions in this dysfunctional way for the simple reason that they did not have the necessary knowledge to handle this wild beast of big feelings effectively. They did not know what they did not know. Many of us are only learning this now. Truly emotions are a force to be reckoned with. We have all been witness to what out of control emotions can do, even culminating in crimes of passion. To be sure emotions can cloud judgement making us do and say things we will later regret. Feeling feelings is a bit like treading through a swampy jungle or trying to tame a wild horse. There are certainly reasons that western culture has long feared strong emotions.
And yet, the common fear that if allowed, emotions will go on forever without end, is unfounded. What we now know in the field of psychotherapy is actually the reverse of that mistaken belief. Refusing to feel emotions is quite literally what keeps them stuck (what you resist persists) while emotions that are experienced and acknowledged (without adding excessive thinking) simply move through our awareness like a storm moves through the atmosphere. There is no one who has ever shed tears that has not eventually stopped crying. There is no one who has ever had a fit of rage who did not eventually stop shouting. No one who has ever experienced a panic attack did not eventually come back down. In fact, the average emotion takes between 30 seconds to 3 minutes to move through the body (core emotions can take longer).
The western cultural bias against showing emotion is not universal. There are many cultures that openly show emotion or use highly charged emotion to make a strong point. The emotionally passionate culture of Italy is one example of this, as well as the emotionally expressive cultures of the middle east.
While western culture prizes rationality, and non-emotional articulation of ideas, our brains have become disembodied, that is, disconnected from our bodies. We are out of touch with what is going on within ourselves on an emotional level.
In my somatic psychotherapy practice I have found that when some people first start therapy they are not able to identify how they are feeling, though their bodies are practically screaming at them through uncomfortable somatic sensations. Living almost entirely in the head, they do not know or recognize this language of the body. It is very much a foreign tongue.
An unfortunate side effect of this emotional disconnection is that if we deaden ourselves to “negative” emotions, we also deaden ourselves to the “positive” ones, like joy, love, wonder, appreciation, and gratitude. Either you let yourself feel all of your emotions or you will not feel much of any of them.
Human consciousness is finally beginning to evolve past black and white either/or thinking. Maybe we can now accept that emotion and reason are not mutually exclusive, but compliment each other just like masculine and feminine energies compliment each other. Without emotion life would loose its color, texture, and richness. Without reason we would have little anchor.
Emotion = Life
Reason = Grounding
Sensations are how emotions and feelings are sensed in the body. How do you know you are sad? Because your heart hurts. How do you know you are afraid? Because your body is trembling. How do you know you are angry? Because you are starting to feel hot.
In the language of the body:
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- Stomach = Fear — Message : “I do not feel safe.”
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- Chest= Sadness/Grief —Message: “I’m experiencing/processing loss.”
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- Head/Jaw= Anger/Frustration — Message: “My boundaries are being crossed” or “I can’t get something I want.”
Each emotion delivered in the form of sensation contains real time information that is giving you sensory data the organism of your body is collecting from the outside world. And most importantly, it is letting you know something about you, that is, how you are relating to and responding to life. When you “get the message” the body relaxes and energy begins to flow normally and naturally again without constriction or tightness.
In this short article, I am giving you a somewhat oversimplified version of how this works. However, in practice, learning the language of the body is much like learning a foreign tongue. It takes time. However, it is well worth the effort, as the messages of the body offer guidance that has the potential to lead us to effective, well-informed decisions in our lives. The messages are unique to each person’s personal history and deepest values. Your body knows all the things your friends don’t know about you. This is why your friends sometimes give you poor advice. Your body, on the other hand, is a friend that will not mislead you. It tells you when something is off, and it also tells you when something is right, like a game of hot and cold. So take the time to get to know this incredible, complex, sensitive, alive organism that you inhabit. You don’t have to take my word for it. Let you own body be your guide.
